During May, I served as a doula for the family of Kathy, a mother and grandmother who passed to Peace during the very early morning hours of June 1. A day later, I received this deeply meaningful email from her daughter, Erin. I will let Erin’s beautiful words speak for themselves — for that’s the whole point of my work: to remind you of your own power in dying and death but also in living and life.
Never forget that YOU are your greatest source of wisdom, death wisdom included. You can do death, you really can. I will help you. “You’ve got a friend.”
I share immense gratitude for Kathy’s life, her love, her light. I celebrate her return to Peace, where she is whole and healthy and helps us now from the other side.
And heartfelt thanks to Erin for her most tender yet powerful thoughts and for giving me permission to post them here so that others may benefit from Kathy’s light as well.
With love,
Amy
Thursday, June 2, 1:16 p.m.
Hi Amy,
First off I wanted to personally thank you for the work you did for my family. You reminded me of my spiritual connection and inspired me to reconnect. I am so grateful for the lessons that I've learned during this experience, and hope that I can continue to be open and pass on the wisdom that you have taught me.
It took me a minute to grab my thoughts but when I did, this is what I posted to Facebook.
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The bond between a mother and daughter is special. For me, my mom was always there for me; we would talk just about every day. Those of you who knew my mother know that she suffered with a life-long mental illness and whenever it took over, it made life unbearable for her and honestly everyone around her. Despite her faults, my mom was still the one person I would go to when I needed to vent, celebrate, cry, or just have on the phone as I went about my day. There was never a doubt in my mind that she loved me unconditionally. When she was in a good place in life, she lit up the room with her smile and sense of humor. If you knew her, you probably remember her hugs and how she made you feel right at home. It's hard to believe that so much light could come out of such a short woman 😉.
About two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and I had kept it quiet for several reasons, but mainly because of the type of work I do. I couldn't bear the thought of always talking about it. We learned she had stage 4 lung/brain cancer caused by a lifetime of smoking. That fact brought her much guilt and shame. These past two years have been tough to say the least. I was scared that I would lose my mom, scared I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I feared death.
When my sister suggested we work with one of her friends who is a death doula, honestly I thought it was stupid, but if that would make Sara feel better, then why not.
My mom's health took a sharp turn south in the beginning of May. After the first meeting with the death doula, I felt at ease with the idea that my mom would find peace, but I was far from truly understanding it. I was still resistant to the information she was giving me, at the same time this extreme intuition started coming over me to fight for what my mom needed and wanted despite what it might look like from the outside.
The last 2 weeks of my mom's life were spent at home in hospice. In that time, I had the ability to grieve, find closure, and forgive/ask for forgiveness. My already close relationship with my sister became stronger, which made my mom so proud. In that time I unknowingly started to hear the wisdom the death doula was teaching me and my sister. I started to understand that death is not necessarily something to be feared, but just another turn in the road of life.
As my mom started to progress, I watched her prepare for the journey. It was beautiful, our time together was beautiful, and the lessons I started to learn were not only beautiful, but a true gift. I have grown so much in just three short weeks, and it's safe to say I'm not the same person after this experience.
I have never felt so good about decisions that I have made, as well as felt so at peace with the outcomes. My mom was so at peace and so comfortable. It truly was a surreal experience.
I'm sad that my mom is gone, but I don't see it as a loss. My mom is free, free of her mental illness, free of physical pain and free from all of the suffering. The best part is, I've learned that although she is not here for a phone call, she is right here with me always.
On the day before she died, I felt compelled to play a particular record from Carole King, but when I did, I accidentally put it on the wrong side, playing this song first — “You’ve Got a Friend.” I felt that it was a message to me. The day she died, she came to me in a dream. She glowed, her eyes were white, and she smiled one of those infectious smiles she reserved for those who she truly loved. She was at peace.
I will my miss my mom, and although I'm sad, I am also so happy that she did it: She's free! I don't need condolences, but feel free to thank my mom for her light and love!
Death doesn't have to be scary, it can be truly beautiful.
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Thank you again,
Erin Mohr
Owner of The Up & Up Salon
www.upandupsalon.com
Artist for L'oreal Professionnel
314.650.9522
You've Got A Friend by Carole King
When you're down and troubled
And you need some lovin' care
And nothin', nothin' is goin' right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I'll come runnin'
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knockin' at your door
You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I'll come runnin', runnin', yeah, yeah
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes, I will
Now, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold?
They'll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them
You just call out my name
And you know, wherever I am
I'll come runnin', runnin', yeah, yeah
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes, I will
You've got a friend
You've got a friend
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend
Ain't it good to know, ain't it good to know
Ain't it good to know
You've got a friend
Oh, yeah, now, you've got a friend
Yeah baby, you've got a friend
Oh, yeah, you've got a friend